Happy 41st Birthday to Me!
I wrote this on Facebook yesterday morning: “I rarely announce to anyone it’s my birthday, but because Age 40 was legit one of the most difficult and least favorite years of my life: I’m going to say it out loud to God and the world: Please let 41 start amazing. It’s tomorrow by the way and I’ll be at the Point Loma Certified Farmers Market from 7AM-2PM. Come by and picnic with me. 858.722.0942”
No joke, 40 was really tough for me. I say this with hope and also with sadness: I thought FOR SURE 40 was going to bring some amazing things, and don’t get me wrong, some did. BUT: As a Christian I knew 40 was a significant number for testing and trials an I for sure thought the 10 years prior to that was my testing. LOL. I thought for sure 40 was going to bring tons of breakthrough. Unfortunately it brought even more heartbreak and disappointment, and I was blindsided a ton.
I sat in my feelings a lot, and finally had more time to talk to mentors and even therapy about all of things I had been going through. I sat and wondered why oh why, if I truly thought I was trying my best to trust in God’s plan, why are things getting worse? And then worse? And then worse?
A few months later after my 40th Birthday, a friend sent me an interesting Instagram Reel (wish I had it), that the 40 years of testing ACTUALLY INCLUDED THE 40TH YEAR. WHAT?!?!?!? Which in essence, meant that the blessings that came (from the Biblical concept) STARTED IN YEAR 41. Pardon my caps. I legit was floored. It all made sense and didn’t make sense at the same time. I’m borrowing the following from good ole Google:
The Flood: It rained for 40 days and 40 nights. On the 41st day, the rain stopped and the sun came out for Noah.
The Israelites' Exodus: The people of Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. In the 41st year, they entered the Promised Land.
David and Goliath: Goliath taunted the Israelites for 40 days before David stepped up and defeated him on the 41st day.
Jesus' Fast: Jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days. On the 41st day, he began his ministry.
Moses: After killing an Egyptian, Moses spent 40 years in the desert before being called by God in his 41st year to lead the Israelites out of slavery.
So NOW: If I had to be totally honest, the last couple months, I seemed to lose all hope. I seemed to really (out of ALL THE YEARS I’ve believed in God) wonder, I really think there’s nothing more to really expect, I was going to just live my days day to day, still in survival mode because it seemed that everything I did, no matter how hard I worked or how hard I tried SOMETHING always seemed to fail. But at the same time, I hated the way I was thinking that. That’s not like me. It’s not like me to have a pessimistic attitude towards things in my life. I have always been told I had too much of an idealistic type of thinking and not realistic, but as a Christian, isn’t God the God of impossible?
EXPECTATIONS: I now really want to figure out a place of expecting EVERYTHING God can bring, but still staying humble if it doesn’t. I still don’t know what that’s supposed to look like. I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean for how I live and make decisions every day. I’ve told family, friends, mentors and therapists that all my life, I just wanted to do the right thing. Sometimes the right thing meant I finished last. Sometimes the right thing meant that someone loses, and most times I felt that was me.
But 41: I don’t feel different (yet). I am waiting for more things to change for the better. I have come to a place in my life where I have lost so much (or at least things I held dear to me for awhile) that all that’s left is to go up.
Thank you to everyone who has been on my side this year, to keep my head up and to remind me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My brain never stops and I know God has given me different gifts and talents along with it. My only hope and prayer is that all the “right things” that I thought I was doing this time, truly fulfills the purpose that God has given me, because that’s what it’s all about, right?
